Screwy Haired Girl

I've got really screwy hair. LOVE IT.

“We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR”

Been meaning to re-post this from CurlyNikki via StrawberriCurls. Hmmm…is all I want to say here. But what do you think?

via StrawberriCurls via CurlyNikki:

Autumn writes:

I don’t even know what to call this. But it happened – FOR REAL.

Background:

I’m married – 5+ years – to a wonderful husband and father. I’m pregnant – 5 months now – with my second child and I’m an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been natural – almost 1 year – and, although it took some time for me to feel this way, I LOVE my curls.

The Drama:

My husband works from home and has watched our 2-yr old daughter from birth (SN: She has curls too and he washes and styles her hair very well during the week). About a month ago, he sent me a text at work saying we needed to talk when I got home. So, I come from work on my lunch break like I normally do. We decided to leave the house to run some errands. In the car, I asked him what he wanted to talk about. Then he said the six words that literally threw me into an immediate emotional breakdown: “WE NEED TO SPLIT UP.” Huh? What? Where is this coming from? Instant flood of tears and hyperventilating.

He never wanted me to go natural. He doesn’t like “nappy” hair. He likes straight hair. He felt that I had totally ignored his feelings by going natural in the first place, but the fact that I’ve stayed natural, despite his disdain, is even worse. It doesn’t matter that everyone else around us likes my hair. He is my husband and his opinion should matter most. When he married me I had long, straight hair. He’s not attracted to me anymore because of my hair, and therefore he felt that the best solution was to split up, instead of being disgusted with the sight of me daily. But if I straighten my hair (it doesn’t have to be a relaxer), then everything will be ok and go back to normal. Blah, blah, blah. SN: Just the week before, his close friend’s wife chemically relaxed her hair after a year of being natural because she couldn’t stand the negative feedback from her husband.

Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like. I emailed my boss from my phone and said I couldn’t come back to work for personal reasons. After running our errands, I dropped him and our daughter back off at the house and drove off to clear my mind. I won’t go into all the thoughts that led me to my next actions, but I will tell you what happened.

I LOVE THIS MAN. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT LOSE MY HUSBAND OVER HAIR. But I felt this was a deeper issue than hair, and I also felt that some information was missing from his little rant. So I went back home. I grabbed a pen and paper and went straight to our bedroom. I got in the bed under the covers and started writing. Right after I jotted down my last thought, he came in to check on me. He gave me a big hug, and waited for me to speak. Here’s what I wrote/said, and his answers.

-I have more going for me than the hair on my head. YES YOU DO.

-I’m beautiful, intelligent, stylish, in shape, a good mother, I bring home bacon just like you, and I cook it too. YES I AGREE.

-I’m pregnant with your child, how dare you bring this to me right now. I FELT LIKE YOU WERE IGNORING HOW I FELT ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

-My hair is beautiful and *I* LOVE it, no matter what anyone else says. I KNOW.

-Our daughter’s hair is beautiful, are you going to request that she straighten her hair? NO, HER HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.

-Is your friend’s wife a better woman than I am because she relaxed her hair for her husband to make HIM happy, even though she will be unhappy? YES, I FEEL THAT WAY. BUT SHE IS NOT MY WIFE AND I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER WOMAN.

-Are you willing to give up our love, sex, family, home, future plans… all because of my hair?! NO, NEVER.

My response was: Then I cannot, WILL NOT get a chemical relaxer. So what is your REAL problem?

His response was: Well, it’s just that all the “different” styles you have been doing have been “nappy” styles. Can you please do some straight styles, and do them more often?

Of course! Why didn’t you say that in the first place boy?!

Ever since then, we’ve been back in love like usual. He touches my “nappy” hair and tells me I’m beautiful. And I still haven’t done a straight style yet, although I do plan to keep my promise – to prevent another childish rant.

Conclusion:

Turns out, he just did a really horrible job of expressing his feelings. And I did a really horrible job of acknowledging his feelings. We will not lose our love, our marriage, our life together… OVER HAIR.

So what say you? Tell me what you think!

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14 comments on ““We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR”

  1. Naturalbeauty
    March 6, 2012

    And all I want to say here is…I wish a Mofo would tell me to throw on some straight hair oppression over my crown to feed his love of self-hate insecurities. I would’ve been like bye & throw on a straight weave or wig while you at it. Is either you take me as I am or have nothing at all but I’d be damn if I’m gonna play myself small so other ppl won’t feel insecure around me. If you don’t like me as I am you better take that up with my creator which I’m sure you wouldn’t dare do. So be gone!

  2. Pingback: Beauté Belles en Afro / Beautiful with Afro Hair (5) | Ivy Mag

  3. DK
    December 4, 2011

    Crazee. What a jerk. But she’s a wise woman, and I’m glad they are happy again. Although the guy needs a beat-down.

  4. Omozo
    November 16, 2011

    Wow! Orishi rishi varies. Glad they resolved their issues: it was not really about hair. I am glad she asked the right questions: “what is your REAL problem”. Great story. http://www.onaturals.blogspot.com

    • screwyhair
      November 16, 2011

      Yep, she definitely did ask the right question. Still, a frying pan to the left side of his head might have been an effective precursor to the question.

  5. Nat.
    November 16, 2011

    First off I must say that the lady is a soldier!! I’m not so sure that I would have had the wisdom to deal with the issue the way she did. Secondly; I’m too happy that I transitioned before marriage. That way I get married natural and stay natural. No post-marital wahala!

    • screwyhair
      November 16, 2011

      She definitely is one heck of a soldier. I may not totally completely 110% agree with how she handled it, but her response has elements we can all learn from, e.g., her patience and willingness to listen to the other person in the relationship.

      Hopefully, after things calmed down, she smacked him across the mouth. THEN I’d agree with her 110%.

  6. soulsista
    November 14, 2011

    Oh my days….ok this was scary cuz i am in a similar boat- my hubby doesnt like natural hair but he is coming around gradually..and my compromise has been wigs and braiding..but more of half wigs now since i am trying to grow back my edges..but it was scary cuz i was tryin to imagine my hubby telling me the same over my hair…ah lol..i dunno wat i will do o…God forbid bad thing..

    but i like how she handled it o..very wise woman..thank God for wise women and good endings.

    phew.

    i am still shaking…for real.

    #okbye

    • screwyhair
      November 14, 2011

      It’s amazing how society has so conditioned us as a people that we are taught to not love ourselves the way God made us. As natural sisters, therefore, we have the sometimes daunting task of always educating those around us regarding our hair, but first we need to educate ourselves about our hair: caring for it AND styling it. When we show how beautiful our hair is, those around us will be more open to our choice to be natural. I haven’t had a man tell me he hates my hair, but I’ve had a few people ask, “Why now?” But that only happens when I’m having a bad hair day LOL.

      @ soulsista: How do you wear your hair when it’s not in wigs and braiding? (Be careful with those if you have weak edges o.) I think you can ease your husband into it; start by wearing your own hair out more often and when you do, find a really cute style, so that he can change his opinion. That’s what youtube’s there for :-) Remember that most Nigerians only associate natural hair with primary school or “low cut” or the village.

      • soulsista
        November 15, 2011

        kiny twist- but not anymore now,
        two strand twist and bantu knot out twist…the man is coming around small small..phew!
        Looking for more cute styles to do :)
        Maybe you can please blog about styles as well cuz thats a challenge for a lot of naturals (i think!). thanks

        • screwyhair
          November 15, 2011

          Kinky twists or wavy braids–the ones you braid to the end of your hair, braid up, and dip in water–were my go-to style in the US. And twist-outs/bantu-knot-outs are sooo cute. I don’t do twist-outs too often, though, cos my hair sparks if I leave her out too long :-)

          Good idea! I’ll do a post on styles, but that’ll be after the meet-up. (Between meet-up planning and work, this chica’s got her hands full.) I’m going to borrow a lot from other bloggers and post links because there’s no sense reinventing the wheel, but I’ll include a few from me (and maybe friends and family too).

  7. African Naturalista
    November 14, 2011

    Woow, this is really something. If the guy had left her in this story, I would have found it hard to believe that its true cos it seems strange that a man will dump his pregnant wife just because of hair. There must be something else.
    I like the way the lady handled it, she’s really wise. If it were me, I might have been irrational. I have learnt from this. Thanks for sharing

    • screwyhair
      November 14, 2011

      She definitely has wisdom because I would’ve probably flown off the handle and gone with a scorched-earth approach or something equally unpretty :-) But it must be said that the husband was being one ginormous baby and a jerk. I mean, who does that? I mean, they have history AND children.

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This entry was posted on November 14, 2011 by in Hair Love and tagged .
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